Yesterday I ran into one of my xabf's friends. He said he hadn't talked to my ex in a while because he's stopped doing drugs and has disassociated from that scene. I told him that my ex is smoking crack now, he said he knew and that the last time he saw my ex that he didn't look good. It helped me to realize that my ex really does have a bad problem that isn't just gonna go away and that other people have noticed what he's doing to himself. It's also sad that my ex used to be someone that others looked up to and now many of his friends are growing up and are drifting away from him.
After 5 weeks of not talking to him (and 5 weeks after his last relapse), sometimes I wonder now if he's magically doing better and if he has a new girl and if he's cleaned up and if he thinks about me and realizes what he's done. I missed him so much this last weekend I could barely stand it, I was thinking about the good memories, there were a lot of them and it's hard to just think about the last few months when he got lost into that scary world. But I'm learning to accept the way that things have changed, which I think may be the hardest thing I've ever had to face. I know that his mind doesn't function like it used to before the crack, the last time I saw him he was totally f***ed up on crack and was a different person. I could just tell by looking at him that his mind wandered like crazy and his thoughts probably drive him nuts.
I think I'm feeling scared because I'm finally realizing that it's completely over now and it hurts that he chose that life and continues to choose it. I feel cheated. I know that he's not good for my life but I still feel rejected that he hasn't even tried to contact me for over a month now. I know it's for the better, I'm just going through so many stages of emotions over this whole thing and it's hard to understand. Thanks for letting me talk
