but at this point I know that I have to put my self-preservation first and foremost from here on.
You said it yourself KittyNat, focus on yourself
I know the "twisting" your expereincing. In my case, it resulted from trying to NOT get my hopes up to PRAYING he could do it this time. See how they work against each other? Twisting
I'm learning the only way to stop that, is to have a "plan" that only involves me. What do I need to do to keep the focus on MY recovery and let him handle his?
Tough question, but if you think about it, you'll soon have your OWN plan
Peace