Im all twisted in knots, not know what to do or say.
Funny how us codies use the same descritption to describe what our A's do to us,,,
I'm sorry it coming out the way it is for you, but for me, the way you describe how you are feeling was the impass for me.
I felt sort of "stuck" but that because putting the foot in front of the other led me out the door. I knew it, and frankly, had to "digest" it. Like you, I made "deals" with myself though,,"if he doesn't go to AA, if he doesn't see his counselor, if he drinks again"
What it ultimatly came down to for me was when was I going to STOP the idle threats and say what I mean, and mean what I say.
I was doing fine with the first part, but not following through with the second part.
You'll know when you've reached the bottom.
Peace