So far, today is a good day. Yesterday wasn’t.
I’m not sure if I’m feeling so crappy and bad about myself because I’m off the Effexor or if it’s because I’m still getting over the withdrawal crap.
What I do know is that I feel like a lazy, fat, slob wasting my life away. I don’t have anything good to show or any great accomplishments I’ve made. It feels like everything I do, no matter how small, takes so much effort. I really wonder if I just latched onto this “depression” diagnosis because I’d rather have depression than realize I’m just a lazy person. I know people around me think that and I don’t blame them. I spend so much time trying to appear normal and happy and apparently I’m convincing.
When I do have a bad day, for the most part, only my Boss or C see it. B has told me on several occasions things like “You’re the happiest person I know.”, “You don’t seem depressed to me.” C has spent some time not believing it I know – sometimes she thinks psychology et. Al. is baloney. She doesn’t want me feeding into a diagnosis I’m given. I agree to some point … I know that some doctor’s are better than others and that it’s very difficult to get a correct diagnosis and a doctor that is “on your side” as far as treatment options.
At the moment, she thinks I that counseling won't do anymore good. That I've done everything I can do try to get better and I should go to a hospital. For one, that scares the crap out of me......and for two, I don't even know how do go about doing that.
If I find a doc I like and agree with, she’s afraid I’d have an excuse (for my laziness). Some times I think she understands what’s going on but she’s so fed up with all of it, she doesn’t know what to do or what to say. She just knows she can’t change me. I can feel a wall between us often. Sometimes I think she’d be better off without me in her life…..I’m just bringing her down. Some days I’m angry at her because I want more support from her. I don’t even know what I need her to do for me; I know she can’t fix it. I think I just want some compassion. Or, if I feel like I had a good productive day – I want her to agree with me even if it wouldn’t have been a productive day to her.
Most days I wonder why I can’t just get better. I have the knowledge. I know I should eat right. I know I should get exercise. I know I shouldn’t take things personally. I know I should get enough sleep. I just don’t do it – for lots of reasons. Sometimes it's just because I don’t want to take the energy, sometimes because I don’t have the energy, sometimes because I’m just too tired, and very possibly because I’m just like this.
Why can other people get up on time? Why can other people work their butt off and lose the weight? Why can other people do it and I can’t? What the hell is wrong with me? I’m tired and sad and mad and angry. Just all of the thinking can drain me for the day.
Lately I’ve really started to notice a difference in my quality of work. Not just the being late thing, that’s an on-going thing. But my quality of work is not what it used to be. I can’t keep up sometimes. I can’t concentrate or keep things straight or even remember things. And then, often times, I have to take a nap at lunch time just to make it though the afternoon.
C has been worried for some time that I could lose my job. Up until very recently I wasn’t – I’m starting to wonder now. I’m paid too much to only be able to give 10 percent of myself.
I just don’t know what my next step should be. I got off of the Effexor for a couple of reasons. First, I wanted to see how I’d do without it. Secondly, when I tried getting off of it I had such a horrible time and went back on. I became angry that I HAD to be on this drug just to function correctly, angry at the maker of the drug. So now, I’m off the Effexor with the help of Prozac (which, by the way pisses me off too!). I only took the Prozac daily for one week to help and will now start taking it every other day. Hopefully I’ll be off within the week.
As for my next step, I think if I can find the right therapist, that will make a huge difference. I’d like to try getting better without prescription drugs. I realize some people can’t do that but I want to give it a try.
From a therapist, I feel like I need a lot of help. Like I said before, I think I have the knowledge but it’s the motivation or the energy or the….something......I cannot manage to find with in me. I’ve been told by so, so many people: “You just have to make yourself do it.” I tear up with I hear that, in fact, as I typed it I got a lump in my throat.
My response to “You just have to make yourself do it” is “NO ****!! But how?!” I can’t find it in me. May be this is just me. This is just how I am. I feel like so weak.
It takes so much some days just to get to work. So I’m here at work, now what? Try to work hard……ok, so work is over. I’ve got to drive home, eat some food, do some laundry, hopefully spend some time with C, get some exercise in and get to bed at a decent time so I can drag my ass out of bed and do it all over again!? Then I wonder – what room do I have to complain? There are tons of people that have it worse than me, people that not only have to take care of themselves but their children too. I can’t even take care of myself. I tell myself to stop bitching, quit whining, suck it up, and get over it. So, lots of days that’s just what I do. Then, wham, I’ll have a bad day. I guess because I let it all build up.
I’m tired of all of it. I’m tired of complaining. I’m tired of thinking. I’m tried of trying to figure it out. I just want to get better.