Thank you all so much for your kind words and encouragement.
It's sad, but about a month ago I was ahead. I felt like I had made some progress of the disentangling, but then when he got clean for two weeks I regressed and did not maintain the boundaries I should have.
I became more and more lax about what I "Expected" out of him which now I am beginning to realize was merely another form of control. I'm just not getting this "letting go of control" stuff.
I really get caught up in the "stinking thinking" & tunnel vision of this. I become so trapped by emotional pain to the point that I cannot see an horizon and of course I try avoiding that pain by keeping denial alive and well- calling, trying to reach out to get some morsel of hope.
Hard to trust the process if you're just learning to trust yourself for the first time in your life. If I keep holding on to the "Just for today" I will focus on me and not base my life around him- I think I can do well, but sometimes it gets exhausting repeating that mantra.