Wow, I think Helene1 summed up my life in a paragraph. I knew my ex years ago. Went separate ways. Came back together 16 years later. (He had been clean & sober for 3 years at that time & said he felt that he was NOW worthy of my love). He relapsed 3 years later & the next 4 years were in & out of jail, in & out of rehabs...you know. A few years ago I gave him a choice..."us" or drugs. I was devastated when it looked like he chose drugs. But 5 months later he was clean, sober & wanted "us" again. He relapsed again. On July 23, 2005 I gave him the choice again.."us" or drugs. He again chose drugs. And I knew history would most likely repeat itself. The difference. I couldn't take the pain of him relapsing again. So, 3 months later, I moved 2,000 miles away...so I would NOT give in again. I've heard from him 3 times since I left. All 3 were really, really ugly & hurt a lot. I still have days where I wonder....how could he choose drugs & beer over "us". How could he throw away everything we had to go back to a low-class, loser, lifestyle...with people I wouldn't give the time of day to??
My therapist said it best. Fantasy is....he'll come through that door some day & we'll have our life back. Reality is.....he's an addict & unless he truly finds recovery...I'll never see him again.
As you learn more about addiction....you'll realize that drugs will win Every time. They are so much more powerful than any person on earth. Sometimes I think crack is the devil's drug itself.
By the way, it does get better.
Lynne