Thank you all.
I just feel very lonely right now and despite the fact that he is an addict, I do miss him- when he's straight. Why is it that our minds filter out the bad at times and only seem to highlight the good- even if they were far and few between?
I am trying to redirect all of my thoughts to something I can do for me, but am realizing that in all honesty repairing this part of me is going to be really hard.
Everything seems to trigger me into a sad, sobbering whirlwind.
Some moments I am strong and take the position: "he is an addict. there is nothing I can do. I deserve better in my life. he can only recover if he chooses to."
Other moments I feel desperation- and this shames me in a sense, because I know he is troubled, yet I still feel I need him. That somehow this choosing not to admit he has relapsed reflects on his love for me and how much he values our relationship.
I am trying to fight the feelings that I do not deserve this.