Hello TroubledNC. I am sorry to read that your life sounds so similar to mine. No one deserves to live the way a spouse of an alcoholic lives. It is so stressful and such a disruptive, sometimes scary and very exhausting way to live. God never meant it to be like this for any of us, including for the alcholics. I just figured out after 12 years that he is an alcoholic b/c he only drank on weekends. And he is NICER when he drinks, so I never associated the argry outbursts, controlling yet irresponsible behavior, with alcholism-and I'm a nurse! I developed an autoimmune disease 2 years ago (Rheumatoid Arthritis) and I truly believe it was triggered by the constant tension and pressure of being in an abusive/alcoholic marriage. Not being allowed to express ANY dissatifaction with his behaviors, the crazy-making, the projecting of his faults onto me, have all worn down my body, mind and spirit, leaving me vulnerable to disease. Since being diagnosed with this very painful and debilitating disease, he has gotten even worse, refusing to do ANY housework, parenting, etc. Finally, a month ago, I made him leave, even though I can't work right now. It was very scary, but the right step for me and my daughter who is 7. We are sort of dating, while I've joined Al-Anon, begun individual counseling and he has gone to one AA meeting, and has been to 3 joint marital counseling sessions with me. He denies he is an alcholic, but the test our counselor gave him puts him into the chronic addiction category.
I think that the alcoholic behavior IS the marital issue. "Anger and anxiety creating" are tools that they use to protect their position and addiction. With mine being sober almost all the time, except one night a week, the thinking is distorted whether they are drinking or not. I think it is called "dry drunk". He went 6 months one time and still behaved badly. So, as far as separating the behaviors; I don't think it's possible. Consider everything I do that impacts my marriage, whether it's overeating, controlling, smoking cigarettes, etc. ARE my marital issues, because they impact my husband and child. I've learned one thing that has helped me tremendously: DO NOT ARGUE WITH HIM. This sounds wimpy, but in reality, it only feeds his disease, and robs me of my dignity, peace and self-respect. I try to walk away, and don't always succeed, but at least now I reign myself in before it gets out of control. I'm working on not being reactionary, the only way to live in an alcoholic marriage. Good luck to you and all you other spouses out there. I hope my anger didn't show through too much; I'm working on releasing that, too
