I used to be passive in our marriage and my husband was very controlling... however, as he grew deeper into his addiction and his health prevented him from doing the things he used to do... I had to take control of every aspect of our lives or everything we had worked for our entire lives would have fallen apart. It is only natural that when your partner in life becomes irresponsible, that we have to assume responsibility for things they can't handle. In any marriage... alcoholic or not ... if one partner is not taking responsibility for important issues .. the other one takes over, I have seen this in almost every marriage - there are simply things that must be done or you will not have a home to live in, utilities, phones, cars to drive, someone to make sure your kids are cared for and get to school safely... or food to eat. Most marriages have a balancing act where one take responsibility for certain things .. the other partner take responsibility for others. In a marriage with an alcoholic, depending on the degree of incapacity...more and more falls on the shoulders of the sober spouse. I had to take over everything eventually, even car and home repairs .. not because I wanted to ..because I had to.
That being said, it is only logical to assume since the divorce rate is 50 percent in this country... many of our marriages would have dissolved regardless of the alcoholism .. but we would love to get a chance to get to know the real person that is sober all the time before we can determine how many of the problems are alcohol related and how many are just personality clashes ... we just never get a chance to know the real person in order to make that determination.