TroubledNC

How do you separate the problems in your marriage from the problems that resulted from a spouse's alcoholism?

I am preparing to move out and into a townhome with 3-year old DD. Our new lease starts next week. My AH (now in outpatient, actively attending AA) seems to feel that there is much more to the separation than his drinking. He was the kind of guy that never really talked about how he was feeling before, and now with his sobriety, 7 years of supressed feelings are coming to the surface. He feels that I have been too controlling and has felt "subservient" within the household.

I will defintiely admit that I need to work on some control issues. I MEAN THAT. That is something I feel I can own up to. That can be done through marriage and individual counseling once he remains sober for at least a 6-month stretch. But, how do I separate my control issues from his "out of control" behaviors? The more he was out of control, the more I felt I had to be in control. Probably a good thing we are separating for a while, no?

I.E. - one of the things that actually bothers him is that he doesn't get a say in dinner menus. I usually do the grocery shopping and cooking. He does like to cook too. But, the reason I do that is b/c he does work late and I would like to have a family dinner before DD goes to bed. ALSO, he has cooked intoxicated on MANY occasions and I felt many well intentioned dinners were ruined. He would cook stuff like Coq au vin (sp?) and then pass out and leave me to eat alone and do many dishes.

That's what I mean... how do I separate marital issues from those issues that stemmed from drinking?? Every couple has their problems -- disease or no disease! But, I am struggling with this twist from him b/c it makes me feel like our marriage was the cause of his drinking... and I felt we had a pretty happy marriage before everything started to spin out of control.

Advice???

Thanks!
TroubledNC