arghhhh
I just got back from a visit with my son that did not happen. I was not allowed to see him due to paperwork on my background check not being done. We have been visiting each week for over a month!! There is new person in administration and changes are occuring- and the chaos I am going through is because of mismanagment and poor communication.
While in my meeting, for some reason I had moved across the room... from the seat I had taken first and I sat next to the directors... it was a good thing too, because I could plainly see my son motioning to me to come outside.
We had plans tomorrow for me to take him somewhere for his job and now my thoughts are where so many of you know...something isn't right here. Is "it" happening again? The mixed up stories and things at the last minute that catch you off guard and are mirroring how things used to be. I can't help but wonder if I'm being taken in again? When we spoke with his counselor neither AS nor I mentioned anything about tomorrow. It's so silly because they are allowed to ride buses and the train when they need to go somewhere.
I spoke with mr cmc on the phone and talked with an oldtimer after the meeting about all this. Maybe nobody knew he was with me when I had him with me for the whole day....I thought they let me take him before...was that all a lie? I hate this feeling so paranoid...but it is how things were before and this is so close to being just like all the other times. Even if he tells the truth, I'm not likely to believe it at this point. I wonder when or if the day will come when I can rest assured.
Mr cmc thinks I should still take him tomorrow but check to make sure things are as they should be...I hate the checking up and am not sure I even want to know. If he is doing wrong and gets caught he will face the consequences and this whole year of his past program becomes meaningless. I can't believe he would risk being kicked out of the program ( having the initial charges back)...and all the other stuff that follows. Whether I take him or not..if he wants to get into trouble it is his decision. Still I am involved now.
I'm still hoping that it's nothing but at the least, the red flags are flying.
It's all very possible that everything will be okay, but I haven't had to deal with any of this for over a year now and I'm just upset. The memories are coming back and it stinks. I have been so happy about how he is doing...and here I am becoming slightly unglued.
That's the one good thing about this...I can say 'slightly' and mean that it's 90% better than how I would have been just a year ago. I may just have to tell him tomorrow (6am) that I will need some proof of what he will be doing when I drop him off at his meeting. I just don't know. It amazes me how I can fall right back to where I used to be- insecure and all turned around, from just this one thing.
Thanks to all who made it through this long post. I sure could use your prayers and support. Whew...it feels good to vent.