I think we have all been where you are. I don't live with active addiction anymore....I am so sorry you are in pain, it isn't fair, but you have 2 choices. Continue the same path or change it. You have the power, I am not saying to leave and I don't think anyone else is either, but by putting the focus on you, the control of you goes back to you. Walk to the mirror, look into your eyes and repeat...I am beautiful, I deserve the best....I do that, and I tell people the same thing. My gf and I were riding yesterday and I told her "we may be mature women, but WE ARE HOT...." She is like yeah, yeah, yeah...I tell her to turn to the left. A man in a car is drooling over us[ok maybe not drooling], but grinning ear to ear at the hotties on bikes....If you believe in you...