No I do not want my life to look like this - I know I have alot more going for me than what I will be guarenteed by addiction, but where I am at this very moment is a difficult place- I am struggling with being sucked back into the insanity of addiction and regaining my individual strength and direction.
Pointing out the things I'm not doing or continue to do wrong only serves to make me impatient about my recovery and distrust the place that I'm at.
I've found great solace from SR.
And last night after he did arrive home- a pretty ugly scene played out. Yes, I did give into the insanity and did not have my feet planted firmly on the recovery road. But indulging in self-loathing and berating myself will not change the course of events or undo any poor choices I made.
I am learning and for the majority of my life- others and myself have told me that it's not okay to make mistakes that everything should be done right first and perfectly.
I do not expect recovery to be clean, nor do I expect myself to be strong all the time. I know it's unrealistic to believe I am going to "get it" all at once. I continue to be told that it is baby steps and that I should not be impatient with where I am at in learning new reactions to old problems.
But I AM changing- even if it is minute cognitively alterations- they are still there, they still occur. I do not want to feel afraid to come to the board and express my honest feelings of weakness and struggle.