""to grant relief of payment"" big key. to grant relief of what cannot be given, to accept, to accept that my mother cant accept my pain whichis a part of me without addressing her own, that she would rather say cruel and hurtful things rather than allow the pain to surface. o lord help me to forgive? im at a stage beyond anger, feels like shock. feels like powerlessness. i do believe god can restore me to sanity evenif i have no idea how right now. i feel just as abandoned as my mother does twards me for living my own life and no logner being the devotional son that wants to do everything to make her hapy (including shutting down emotionally and sacrifcing and martyring) she feels abandoned by me. lord help me. i turn it over to the care of the higher power because the painful fact that i cant do a thing is true and there is enough love in the higher power, the self, the recovery rooms to nourish me, but somehow i feel colder. and though i know i will have things change, i feel like the cord has finally been cut and that i have landed in darkness but at least i have my feet on solid ground. i still feel unnourished, but thanks god for friends who let me feel cherished enough to matter, to have value, to have worth, even if my parents and family show spite and hateful jealousy at my liberation and peace of mind without them.