Sorry I'm late for the party. You guys always have the best threads when I'm outta town.
"No contact" is _not_ about them. It has nothing to do with the other person, whether they are in recovery or not, married or single, coming or going.
"No contact", just like everything else in recovery, is about _me_. "No contact" is just the first two words, the whole sentence goes like this:
"No contact with the people, places and things I use as an excuse to justify my addiction".
Another word for this concept is "abstinence".
I used my marriage as an excuse to justify my addiction to a woman who had long ago stopped being a partner. As long as I could play the "knight in shining armor" routine I did not have to take off the armor and expose myself as a normal human being. The catch to being a knight is that you can't pull off the act without a damsel in distress.
In order to maintain my own illusion of being a non-fallible human, of being a strong, independent person who _never_ felt pain, I had to have dragons to slay and steeds to ride.
The truth is I _do_ feel pain. I do feel fear. Just like everybody else. If I get in a relationship with someone who is themselves in pain I can spend all my time rescuing _her_ and always ignoring my _own_ issues. If all I do is look at _her_ then I never look at _me_.
Note that what I used as an excuse was my _marriage_. I didn't really matter _who_ I was rescuing, as long as I had _anybody_ to rescue then I could keep the focus off me. Not that different from an alcoholic who is alwyas looking for somebody else to blame for their misfortunes.
I had to maintain "no contact" with _relationships_ in order to stay sane, just like an alkie maintains no contact with booze in order to stay sober. Put me in a relationship, _any_ relationship, and my head spins off and goes straight into the ozone. Doesn't matter who with.
After my marriage ended I maintained no contact from _relationships_ for about 6 months. I did a _lot_ of growing and learning in that time. Then I got involved in a relationship that was far better than my marriage, but still a long ways from healthy. We danced for awhile and then drifted apart. I did a lot more work on _me_, no contact again for about a year. Then I started dating, normal dating. Dated a charming young blonde and was able to _stop_ dating her and _remain_ best of friends. For me that is a sign of a healthy relationship.
Mike
