Well, there is no point in beating yourself up over this. Forward means sometimes making a mistake so we can go in the right direction.
I think you have huge things to deal with.. two boys who are abusive to you, an ex husband who was abusive and sounds like he hasn't changed.. and a divorce to proceed with. That is a lot for any soul to handle.
Just know that I think you are doing what you can.. and that if I come across tough and harsh sometimes it is because I become enraged at abuse. I don't care if it is abuse of animals or pets, children, spouses, parents by their children or elder abuse. Abuse makes me angry.
I have stood up to more than one bully in my life.. and I guess I must be scary when I do cuz I mostly have won.
So, Rose, I just want you to know I am on your side. Forward.. the place to go.. tho recovery hill may be steep and boulder strewn.. it is the only hill we have to climb.