bv1979

So my RAGF openly admits to struggling with feeling and being able to express her emotions, as she covered them up for nine years by way of the bottle.

It's funny - during the day, when we're apart, she'll send me cute little text messages telling me how much she loves me, but then when we're together, I feel like I have to fight for any affection I can get from her.

I know she loves me, but sometimes the way she is makes me feel like I'm unwanted, or at the very least, she's indifferent to the fact that I'm around her.

What makes this more difficult, and I know I sound like a complete idiot for saying this, but the ONLY thing in her life she's able to openly be loving towards on a regular basis is her dog. She treats that dog like royalty, showers it with affection, and then openly flaunts the fact to my face that she's able to be affectionate with the dog but not with me or her daughter. I woke up this morning around 4am, turned over to put my arm around her, and guess what I find...the dog laying right between us, under the blankets. Once the dog knew I was awake, she started fidgeting and pushing back against me, and making it tough for me to go back to sleep. Now, I don't care that the dog was in the bed - it happens from time to time. But instead of making a big fuss over trying to get the dog out of the bed, which would have woken her up too, I just got up and went downstairs, started my coffee for the morning, and then laid down and watched the news for the hour before it was time to get ready for work.

I honestly wasn't mad...I just wasn't going to get back to sleep. But then she made a big deal over it when she got up, saying that I'm acting like I'm jealous of the dog, and that the dog was there sleeping in the bed long before I ever came around, so sometimes she likes to get up onto the bed and sleep next to her...blah blah blah...you should have just gotten her off the bed...blah blah blah...

When really, the only reason I got up was so that I didn't wake her up in trying to get the dog off the bed to begin with, because this is the end of her first week back to work, and she's been really tired in adjusting to her new schedule.

Maybe it's silly, but I guess in certain ways I AM a bit jealous of the affection she's willing to shower the dog with, but not me - the man she says she loves and wants to spend the rest of her life with. I know that learning to feel and express her emotions again are part of the recovery process, but it's still hurtful - especially because a month and a half ago, she was extremely affectionate towards me, and would run and jump into my arms when I showed up for the first time of the day...

I guess I miss that, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever get that back.