Thanks for this topic and for the linked post as well. I struggle with this so much.
"My idea of forgiveness is:
something happens
the person who screwed up apologizes after realizing they have done something wrong
the person who was wronged forgives them."
Forgiveness without the second part is where I am hung up. It's been implied that I am "unforgiving" because I cut three people out of my life who wronged me. I did this because they have no remorse, have never apologized, all three have turned around after wronging me and tried to make it appear as if I, in fact, wronged them. They also would do the very same things tomorrow if I let them. Their actions have caused me a good bit of embarassment. Part of me feels humiliated, and part of me knows my pride is hurt. I realized also, last night, that underneath all of this I am furious at myself for getting involved with these folks, for not listening to my gut instinct. I was in self-will run riot, and I am paying for it with lost pride. I still have anger at them, but that is a blanket emotion made up of all the minor ones I named above. All three are active addicts, and the codependent in me is right in the spotlight now. That is a gift from a higher power, that I am being FORCED by this pain to take seriously my codependency in a way I never have before. Really, this experience has been a gift.
In the case of parental stuff, all I can think of is if it is something that a person feels is necessary to their recovery, and they don't feel capable of it today, they can pray for it. If I have faith in a higher power, then I believe I will be given each day what is necessary to make it through that day sober. If hp wants me to acknowledge my legitimate emotions of anger, rage, violation, betrayal, before I move into forgiveness then maybe I need to direct my energies toward that. I can also pray for direction in just how to go about moving toward forgiveness. Right now I do not feel it is necessary to 'forgive' my parents for me to stay sober today. It is a one day at a time thing. I don't even know if I am at the stage yet of even being able to articulate what it is I feel about what it is they did. I do not feel it is necessary for me to forgive the people that sexually abused me as a child. I am not angry at them most of the time, but if anger comes up then I respect it and do not suppress it, I try to acknowledge and honor it as legitimate anger. If we are angry at people, then that is a feeling. It's unpleasant and destructive, so in my view it needs to be mitigated. One thing I did a few days that was helpful to me is I wrote letter to each of the three people that had wronged me recently, and I really let it all hang out. I cursed, I ranted, I raved, I hurled insults, etc. Of course I won't send them but I got those feelings OUT of my body. I have promised myself to do that as many times as necessary. I am finding those feelings are finite, and slowly, as I get them out, peace is coming in. That 'peace' may be forgiveness. But forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a state of mind.
What I feel when this topic has been discussed, not here, but elsewhere, is that I have somehow been asked to 'cover up' those unpleasant feelings with the 'appearance of forgiveness' or the comportment of such. Here is where I might be offensive, but there are certain people that I have talked to about the real violations of my childhood, that insist 'forgiveness' is the only way, that imply that there is something wrong if I have not forgiven, or appear not to have. What has to be stressed, I think, is that there are many people walking around out there who have not acknowledged childhood abuse. Some of them are just holding together with paper clips and glue, and any mention of things like parental failure or violation threatens them terribly, because they need to hold that stuff down for their own psychological survival. The twinges of resentment I feel when I am around folks like this are telling me that I just need to disregard these folks. It's like my feelings are being disrespected, and I instead need to honor those feelings. Sorry if I am not making sense. I guess for me it is all about my feelings, to me I feel if I work on the feelings I hold inside, express them however I can, the forgiveness that comes is between my hp and I. If I am angry about being violated, to say I need to forgive does not help me. What helps me if for my anger to be honored, even if I am the only one that does so. I can talk to myself, talk to my inner child, tell them that I honor the fact that they are angry and feel violated. My feelings matter, that is the point. When I was younger, I was treated as if my feelings did not matter. Things were done to me as a child that if done to an adult would end up in court, aside from the sexual abuse. No wonder so many of us are angry as adults, as few rights as children have. I think there is something kind of wrong with telling people 'you have to forgive' just because it makes someone uncomfortable if I am angry, but not telling them HOW to get into a state of serenity and peace with the past. I think the way is through praying for the feelings of anger to be removed, and actively working on getting that anger out of my body, even if I have to write 1000 pages, or go up on a mountain top and scream for hours. Or in some cases, like friends of mine have done, write a list of the things the person did, go in their presence, read it off to them, and leave with or without the acknowledgement that did commit the wrongs. Whatever works to get the real, legitimate feeling of anger out of the body. Sorry I rambled on and that this makes no sense, but it's where I am at. What I refuse to do today is feign a state of mind that is not authentic to me.
I also love what you said at the end, about not "admitting defeat". That means that you honor your feelings, and hold them to be valid. Damn straight. What I realize now is that when I put myself in the shoes of the people that abused me, I wouldn't want to be the way they are or do the things they have done. I thank God that I am not that way, I do not have to live with that on my karma. I have not done the things they have done. I have won. I am sober, and I am not actively wronging people in the ways that they did. They did not defeat me, and they never will; they only defeated themselves by committing such egregious wrongs. When I look at it this way I mostly feel only pity and sadness towards them, instead of anger, and it takes all the power away from it.