Miss you Tena....HOpe you come back soon...Hope you're okay.
I've been so lonely lately. Seems anyone and everyone I try to reach out to for comfort only causes me more pain in some way. I'm so full of self-hate and getting worse by the day.
I realize that it's either April or May that is one of the 2 times each year when the most suicides occur, statistically, but...again, my self-education efforts do me little good other that to know that it'll be a hellish month or two before i'm in the clear with my moods again.
And those stats fall right in the same time frames of both times i've been hospitalized, beginning of fall and beginning of spring. April was also the month I was fired. And August the month when my young aunt died about 5 years ago. So...2 times a year...it seems I will always struggle. But to me...the months inbetween seem to go by too fast...before I can fully prepare myself and my life for the difficult times i know are coming.
Again, I feel so behind in every aspect of my life...and can't seem to catch up for that which keeps coming into my lap.
I'm sure i'll make it through, but many more tears will surely be shed first.
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Now....some obsessive chatter about a boy
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So..it was tuesday or Monday when I stopped talking to him. Can't remember..which oddly is a good thing. I may be creating my own reality, but I truely think he is bothered by this....to which i haven't figured out for sure why...other than i am one less person feeding his huge ego daily (which he uses to hide is very low self-esteem issues).
But today was perhaps the oddest day thus far where he is concerned. It seemed I was psychic (or less likely that the powers that be were trying to put us in each other's paths.
It started with me going in to work earlier than usual. I parked and finished putting on my make up, during which time i noticed from the corner of my eye that a car had parked beside me to my left. The thought entered my mind of "wouldn't that be funny/odd if that was him in the car next to me." (now mind you this parking facility has 10 levels...so I totally dismissed it as ridiculous to think that, and in almost the same moment as I was letting my hair down to re-fix it...i glanced slightly over toward the car. It WAS him!!!!
The whole time I had been sitting there finishing the touches on my eyeliner, mascera, powder and lipstick...he had just been sitting there in his car. Odd on it's own.
I then finished putting my hair back up and within the same 10 seconds that I opened my door and started gathering my things....he got out and walked around to the side of his car right next to my door opened it and then shut it and walked to the elevator.
It took me a few more seconds to get the rest of my things, but when I got out of my car...i looked across the garage as he was walking into the landing and instead of him walking toward the elevator (to push the button) ...he walked toward the landing for the stairs. I assumed he had taken the stairs...as there would be no other reason to move in that direction of the landing. But when I looked back several moments later....he was walking up to push the button. (over thinking it now, of course, my mind is wondering if he had either 1. had started to take the stairs and then decided not to as he knew I would end up riding in the same elevator as he... or 2. If he walked over that direction to stall for a little more time before pushing the button).
I rationally believe with 95 percent certianty...that had another person from our same company shown up at the same time also that he would have quizzed me on the ride down about my decision to ignore him this week.
--- The second - VERY SIMILAR elevator/garage event of the day ---
I had to leave the office for a bit this afternoon, so I walked to the garage and pushed the elevator button...noticing that the elevator had already been on its way down b4 i pushed the button.
AGAIN, my brain had the thought...actually it was more like a mental picture of him riding the elevator and stepping out when it stopped. And AGAIN, I thought i that my obsessive thoughts are totally getting out of hand, b/c the chances of that happening would be one in a billion. (just for perspective: I've worked with him for more than a year now...and only ONE other time have I EVER seen him or crossed paths with him in the parking garage!!!).
So...when the door opened and he walked out and we nearly ran into each other!!!! Well, i haven't a clue what kind of expression i had on my face, but i was completely shocked and thinking i must be going mad for sure. I tried my best to play it cool and just walked into the elevator.
The last odd thing....he had obviously been coming from his car and I had thought he must have just been getting back from a late lunch....but his car was STILL parked right next to mine...which wouldn't have been the case if he had left b/c it was a prime parking spot and spaces are hard enough to find as it is.
So who knows...
was it all a bunch of coincidences? And I'm crazy for thinking it too coincidental?
was it me somehow projecting my inner, secret desires to be near him? And him miraculously responding unknowingly?
Was it me somehow miraculously being tuned into him and just subconsciously timing my day with him?
Or could it be a combo of coincidences and some slight psychic something going on with me?
Or.......am i just obsessing?
The last one is an easy one to answer: 100 % YES!!!!!
****deep sigh****