All Worked Up
For the last several days, my husband keeps blowing up at me in these ways that seem really unfair. Last night, for instance, he exploded because he had turned the air conditioning thermostat down to 61 degrees and left it there all day long. It isn't so warm outside, so I asked him please not to do it again, and he EXPLODED. We had a guest at the house, and he stomped around and yelled about how I control everything and how it isn't fair and how he's a man and he should get to set the temperature to whatever he wants after he's been at work all day.
His tirade would have been unreasonable under any circumstances, however, he's only been back to work for 2 days, and I'm still paying all the bills. I've recently recognized a problem I've been having of saying things about how he owes me money in front of his friends, which bothers him, and I've been trying really hard to restrain myself. So while he was having this tirade and acting as if I were the most unfair shrew of a wife in the world, I couldn't even respond to defend myself.
We've talked in Naranon meetings about how this tendency to get all worked up and view himself as the victim in any situation or conflict is a characteristic of an addict, and I thought of it while he was rampaging. I know that the appropriate response (at least the response I've been encouraged to use in my meetings) is to disengage from him when he starts getting worked up--just nod, say "uhmmm hmmm," "yes," and "ok."
It's just HARD, especially when he wants to say that I'm not treating him fairly because I feel like I've been way way way fair. I've continued loving him, supporting him, providing a home for him to live in and food to eat, even though he lied and stole from me and put my health at risk so that he could use heroin. I'm having a real rough time forgiving, letting go, and moving on.
Any advice you guys have about how to disengage from an addict who is making a scene and/or how to forgive and move on would be really helpful.
Thank you guys for being always so helpful and responsive!