hello...
i dont know even where to begin... my journey has been long and very difficult. up to the point where i felt insanity would be more safer than what i have walked through.
i am 34.. and started self healing at 23. 11 yrs in october. did it without meds and some treatment centres.
i didnt know what ptsd was till a year ago. a freind said look into it. so i did. i was like damn that explians 90% of my life.
i was born to a drunk teen mother in 1969. she didnt even know i was born till the next day. this info from my auntie. i was raised in a tennis lifestyle. grandparents, parent, relatives.. foster care till i was 4.
then my mom got married... she came and got me from my aunties place and we moved to a whole new world.
the man she married at first was what you would call a nice guy. but as time progressed and the alcohol and drugs grew, so did the violence as well as a sexual plagued enviroment.
my mother would have visits from men on a daily basis, she would lock us in a room or the basment. while my step father worked and when my step father was out he was cheating as well...
this is what most of there fights were about. the fights were verbal then escalated to violence. i watched my mother stab my stepfather on a few occasions, watched my stepfather beat my mom till she was twitching and unaware of the blows... this was a normal occurance to us, why, cause everyone they knew was the same way. fights on the lawn... bathroom.. someone was always covered in blood before the night was over.
when i was 13 she left for the 100th time... but she allowed him back into our lives again. this was the darkest time of my life... about 3 monthes after he moved in, they were having the usual house party andthings got ugly... very ugly.
the fight was on and my auntie was there as well as my uncle. my stepfather went to their room and came out with a gun, a shotgun, loaded it. and lined us up against the wall. me my 2 brother and auntie and uncle.. my mom was slammed up against the wall and hit her head was knocked unconcious.
he made my aunt drag her to theline up and paced back and forth. every so often point at our heads and say bang... i was numb and was was like ok do it. he came to me and said your a bastard. i should do you first.
i looked at the gun and for some reason smiled. i closed my eyes and said in my mind "God, whatever you want of me. do it.." i then felt cold.. really cold.. i thought, he did it and i am dead.. so i opened my eyes and look around and saw i was outside.
i seen a cab driver there, a cab they called for the bar.. so i walked to his cab and sat in the back ... he looked ta me and said what are you doing outhere no jacket or shoes... it cold out there...
all i could say was call the police, he has a gun and is threatening us... which he did.. i then asked for a cigarette. he gave me that and a jacket... i said thank you, i have to go back now.
he grabbed me said whoa kid you aint going back in there. i said if he doesnt see me he will get mad, but he held on tight..
next thing i knew was swat and police were there... they managed to get him alive and no one was hurt. the gun jammed and the hammer would not fire. my brother said when i closed my eyes he clicked the trigger.. but nothing... so he so he cocked the other hammer of the gun, and my auntie starting being noisy and *?#!*?#!*?#!*?#!. he turned to her andmy brothers aid i just stood up and they looked at my auntie, then back to me and i was gone...
he said it was weird... due to where my stepdad was i should not of been able to go anywhere..
after the trial and him being in jail for 2 monthes... my mom allowed him back into our lives.. and with that out of theirs i went.. so began my homeless drinking and drugged out teen years.
what brought me out of hell.... my daughter... i seen her face and eyes... and swore to quit drinking, because i did not want to repeat history... i was 20.. and it took 4 years to do it... 4 years of pain and sorrow... and then 10 more years of growing...
i have done 2 trips to a treatment centre and a lifeskills work shop...
my life is far from perfect, but with the love of God, and His strength i am able to walk this road... whether the sunshines or the rain falls..