decided something
well, I finally came to the decision to start taking anti-depressents. I have had this low-level depression for a LONG, LONG time. In shrink terms it is called disthymia. Just an ongoing unhappiness. I reckon I have had it for a number of years. But since December the depression has been really deepening, I have times when I wonder if I will be able to function in the near future or if I will just end up falling apart and giving up. Yeah, the abf's situation is a contributing factor, but also aspects of my professional life, financial situation, family situation, etc, these things all sort of imploded during the fall/winter and I have times when I am really struggling to keep afloat.
In some way I have been resisting this because it feels like a sort of failure. My ex was a manic depressive and when he went into his tail spins and started to not get out of bed and lost jobs and what not I was so disgusted with him, that he would let himself crash that far and shirk all his responsibilities to his family and such. I have desperately not wanted to give in and go the same way he did, I viewed him as such a failure because he couldn't keep going and eventually ended up taking off and checking into a mental hospital (still hasn't recovered completely, drives a taxi, never sends child support of any kind.)
You know, in some ways, dealing with an addict is easier than dealing with a mental case, but then again, the addict in my life doesn't live with me or have any of the financial responsibilities towards me and my kids the way the ex did.
I have been toying with the idea for a couple of weeks, and last night, after the abf disappeared and I felt like falling apart, I thought "what am I waiting around for? if this can help me than why not? and who knows, maybe it will give me the boost I need to get myself out of this situation." I mean, there I was expecting the abf to be supportive and provide emotional need, and he didn't/wouldn't and I realized that I was looking in the wrong direction. I mean, fact is, he can't do it for me, don't know if he ever can, I can only do it for myself..
who knows what this change might bring about. I know they take a while to work, as much as a month or 6 weeks before some people feel a change. All I know is that something has to give, I can't sit around feeling this unhappy about things, and feeling like I am just sliding down hill. My therapist thinks it is a good idea to give the anti-depressants a try...
so, why not go with the professional advice.