JSM......
I know when my exah is about to relapse....I know when he is going through a craving....I know who he goes to for his drugs....I know when he is not going to show even when he says he is....I know when he is clean....I know when he is using....I know what state he is in just by talking to him on the phone....I know which days he chooses to disappear....I know....I know all of this....
I have educated myself on drugs, the lure of drugs, cravings and what causes them, triggers, how his mind reacts to them. I've watched the HBO series on addiction (very informative-by the way) and understand all of that knowledge that I have gained from reading and watching and I can say with the utmost confidence that despite all of that I will never ever understand why he can't stop using cocaine and crack.
I understand how addictive they are but I can not for the life of me understand why after all that he has lost why he can not stop. I will never understand how strong the cravings are and why he follows the demand of his cravings instead of the logic of what doing the drug will do to him and his loved ones.
Yes we become the greatest of detectives in the life of our addict. We want to know everything so that we may understand everything....so that we may know why they continue to choose their drug over us, over their children, over their parents.....
Unfortunately, IMHO...I believe if we haven't lived it and breathed it like our addicts have, we could never truly know it and understand it in it's truest sense we could only understand and know the concept of the knowledge that we obtain. Just like they will never understand and know the hurt, frustration, pain, sadness, heartbreak that we are put through, in its truest sense.