JSM, what someone who is in the AA/NA program says often does not represent what the program teaches.
The founders of Alanon were Lois and Anne, the wives of Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob (the founders of AA). Originally the families met at the same meeting as the alcoholics and it became apparent after some time that the spouses could use a program of their own. In those days, the alcoholics were mainly men although there were women in the original 100 I believe. There is a chapter in the AA Big Book that is called "To the Wives" which addresses exactly this.
I don't totally agree with what that person you mention said, but I do agree that I will never be able to completly understand what it is like to be an addict. I understand as much as I can from reading and researching and speaking to other recovering addicts, but until I have walked in those shoes, I just cannot know 100%. I also cannot know what it would be like to be blind, and I thank God that I can't.
Also, I believe that we are excluded when our addicts are active because we don't approve and would try to stop them. The alternative, joining them, has been tried by more than one codie and that is a very dangerous approach.
I don't know if you have been to any Alanon or Naranon or CoDA meetings, but perhaps you might find them helpful in dealing with all that you are. I know that meetings literally saved my life and promise you that they will help you too.
I hope this doesn't come across as argumentative, it's not my intention. I just hear too often words from a member off AA as being representative of the program, and that isn't always so.
Hugs