Girl....i know what you mean.
I know that as soon as I make myself pick a new psychiatrist and go in for an appointment that it will result in a med change, but i'm scared to death about that.
The med rollercoaster isn't a fun one by any means, BUT neither is the way i've been feeling lately. I often feel that I must be the loneliest person in the world. Being alone and unloved and unconnected to someone I can share much of myself with.....is the most painful thing for me. I can't stand the thought of being alone for the rest of my life.
Right now i don't even have a best friend to turn to and if it wasn't for my 1 hour visit with my therapist each week....i know i'd be headed back into the hospital soon b/c the suicidal thoughts would be invading my brain once again.
I just feel SO completely disconnected from the world. I can't stand it. Tonight I won the biggest award of my career in journalism thus far....and at this very second tears are welling up .....and down my cheeks they now fall.
High achievement and success mean nothing to me without someone to truely share it with. At this moment i'm even wishing i wouldn't have gone to the awards event. And even then...the only reason why I ever win anything or succeed at anything is because I work my butt off trying just to prove to myself and everyone else that I am deserving. That I'm not a waste of space. But, even then I don't believe it.
My sister is trying to potty train my 3-year-old nephews and today one of them went poo in his "big boy pants". He had apparently gone 4 days without a single accident, so I guess she had thought that was it...he was potty-trained. So when that fantasy was shattered today it angered her a great deal. She was upset with him and kept telling him that he did it because he was "lazy". I couldn't believe it when I heard her say it the first time, but then she said it again. My sister is not a stupid or uncaring person by any means. She doesn't take critizism of herself very well at all for anyone and usually gets angry, but I was so shocked by her statments that I knew I had to say something.
I told her that wasn't a good thing to be calling a child. She replied saying she knew it was bad to call a kid stupid, but had never heard that it was bad to call them lazy. That too shocked me, because there's not much difference. AND he's not lazy....HE'S 3!!!!
I know she realized for herself after a few moments because she didn't get upset at me for pointing this error out, but it struck such a HUGE cord with me because that kind of down talk is what causes children to grow up believing they are unworthy and undeserving and unlovable.
I don't remember the things i was told when I was three, but I know my family and I know how I feel as an adult and how I felt as a teenager, so i know there was more down talk than uplifting. I literally grew up in a home where I was made to feel like I had no right to be there and was completely unwanted and all i was....was an inconvenience in both my parents lives.
So jump ahead to more than a decade later and as an adult....i still can't get past those feelings of inadequacy. And it doesn't help that I ended my last relationship 2 years ago and that i haven't had a guy truely show interest in me in all that time.
Tonight, after the awards, we went to a club....i nearly started crying right in the club! I mean, ALL those people with friends and significant others and having fun and then there's me....feeling like i'll never have any of those things in my life again (realistically, i know that's probably not true, but that how it feels).