Intoduction
Hello everyone. I've been reading the last couple of days and have posted a couple of times. You've been helping me survive the past two weeks and I thank you.
I have an ABF (DOC Heroine). We've been together for 4 years, the middle two of which he spent in prison. I love him desperately, but due to his active additon, I made him leave the house. He didn't come home Friday night and I delivered the majority of his stuff to him at the place he is staying today. I've taken back my house keys and my truck keys.
He came by my house this morning and was threatening and verbally abusive. He went in the house and took my laptop, holding it for ransom for $10 (for breakfast - yeah right). When I wouldn't give it to him he threw the computer out the window of his van. Thankfully, it's OK. Now I can't go outside without locking the house for fear he will drive up and cause trouble. He's taken the grill and everything of value from outside the house.
He has a safe place to stay, I took him food and his clothing and toiletries, but still I feel guilty. I can't take the madness of living with him, but I feel like I am about to die without him. I turned off his phone which I pay for along with everything else that is stable in our lives. So I can't call him when I miss him and let him talk me into trying again..... and it's more difficult for him to call the dealer. But I feel horrible leaving him without the phone. He melts me with his beautiful brown eyes and in the past I always let him come back home and "kick" until the next week when he has money and the cycle begins again.
He is one amazing man when he is sober, but lately this is less and less. He is my best friend and we are great together. We work together in our own remodeling business and in everyway seem like we were made for each other. EXCEPT ADDICTION. It's killing me, but I feel like I have to let him go. He can't seem to stop and I can't continue to live this way.
I wish I could find some hope for us. He's 42 now and he's been shooting "H" off and on since his mom taught him at age 10. We walk through hell together and grab at pieces of heaven along the way. It's been a hard life for me, too, but no drugs in my past. It's difficult for me to understand that in this case "love is not enough." Especially since this is the first time in my life that I've found it ... but maybe that's been based on lies, too. I'm in so much emotional pain, but my ABF doesn't understand. He has no money and he's drug sick so he is mad and he is the center of the universe right now and I'm a "b****" for not helping him.
I have two boys ages 4 and 6 so I am trying to focus on myself and them right now. I can't eat or sleep. Oh God I want him back ... but I'm trying to stay strong.
Thanks for letting me vent and for helping me get through another day.
Trying to "livelife."