my mama
well, i went on vacation, and it was beyond good....went to a cabin on the lake in the woods. just me and my dog. no phone, no hassles....it was grand.
the day i got back from vacation, my mama came to spend a week with me.
then i needed another vacation.
i've always said i don't like my mother, but i love her. i came to a realization, a very difficult realization, that i don't think i do love my mother at all.
i feel duty.
she is never a person that i would choose as a friend based on character.
i thought i had forgiven my mother many years ago for many things, but now i think differently.
been very upsetting for me. very. who wants to not love their mother, for god's sake????
her actions led my sister and i through hell as children.......and now she is acting like a helpless old woman at 70....you would think she is 101.
today, 70 is not ancient like it used to be. i see so many vibrant, happy people up in their 90's, still laughing and enjoying life so much.
when i look at her, i feel anger, disgust, contempt. it is hard to write this. hard to put in black and white.
i need to take the same actions towards her that i took with my xah. need to find compassion in her actions, because they are very sick actions.
i just keep thinking of how she hurt my and my sister so badly and slammed through life leaving a wake a destruction behind her.
i think i married my mom when i married my xah. because they are so much alike.
feel like i'm starting all over again in recovery, but with my mama now instead of my x. i've got to find a way to apply what i've learned to my feelings about my mama......i don't want to not love her.