Threads Like This Are Why I Keep Coming Back . . .
Even though the mirroring it affords is tough . . .
I saw a little bit of myself in everyone who posted, and the biggest reaction I had was I've been away too long from this part of my program. My legitimate excuse is work; I'm lucky to make an AA meeting a week, and that's because I have a life today, by the grace of God and 12-Step Programs . . .
It's easy to do . . . Really, except for a brother who's probably hell-bent on dying from the disease--I keep big boundaries up there--there aren't any alcoholics in my life . . . Oh, I work with several problem children, and I wish it were one of those enlightened companies where they would be identified, intervened upon, and sent to rehab. Doesn't happen though. I had enough one night and reported one individual for being drunk on the job, and my reputation was such that at least a few people believed me . . . They suspended the guy for a few days, but somebody leaked the information to him; he came after me, and others questioned my judgement . . .
Three weeks later the same individual had a heart attack from a cocaine overdose, landed in the hospital and then in some meetings . . . He relapsed though, and they fired him . . .
By then I'd learned to give myself my own validation--it's a codependent characteristic to want to rely on that from others, and trust me, that's a big set-up--and I saw the whole scene as exactly that . . . I felt sad, but there was little else I could do . . .
Like Embraced2000, I was "sick long before i met my alcoholic [girlfriends, quite a number in my case, well, alcoholics and other assorted hysterical and borderline types]....we were 2 sick people just waiting to find each other."
I put the focus on myself and what was drawing me to them, my own control issues, and did a helluva lot of work both in meetings and therapy . . .
Healthy, nurturing relationships still feel funny to me (and scary), but the other day I was bitching about a platonic MF friendship that broke up for me when I realized the other was just a more sophisticated drama queen than my earlier models . . .
My other friend--also a woman--said to me, "Nice guys are magnets for those types."
I took that as a huge stroke (yeah, when you aren't looking for them, there they are), and it led me to realize I was standing on the edge of an old trap, my own tendency to assume responsibility for everything and refusing to look at the subject of "balance."
More control stuff, natch . . . More opportunities to ride on the old arse thrashing machine . . .
Be good to yourself, folks. I've still got work to do, but I suspect none of us is really as outrageous as we think we are in our worst moments, and I'm a whole lot better than I used to be . . .
CC1
Once again tendering my resignation from the Martyrdom Squad