I ahve difficulty with the word selfish. It isn't a negative to factor yourself into your own life.
Here's what I'm telling myself when I stumble on the "I'm being selfish" thought:
At the end of the day, I have me, myself, I
and my higher power to rely on. I love my Al-Anon friends, I love my other friends, and my family -- all the people who love me and support me. But at the end of the day, I'm
it. I have to live with the consequences of the decisions I make, and whatever those choices are, there will be people who criticize me and think I should have cried instead of laughed, jumped instead of skipped, and worn black instead of hot pink.
And in a way, all I have to do is what I constantly tell my kids to do: Stop obsessing about whether or not your sister packed her lunch or ate her broccoli or called you stupid, and focus on
your own behavior. Don't tell your brother what to do, make sure
you know what to do.
I think with a painful, hurtful past like yours, you might have to walk through that hell again to heal. Maybe. My past is different, and I've chosen a different route, because I can: I'm aware of
how I've been helping AH maintain his drinking, but
why doesn't really matter to me. Right now, finding the root of the problem isn't as urgent to me as changing my ways.
Don't know if any of that helps, but it's my perspective... (((hugs)))