oh ****{ayla}} you are such a wonderful person in my life. you help me and so many others.
i can relate to so much of what you all have written. it's now been over 6 years that my mom has been gone. my grief has changed over time. the first two years were the most emotional...really wish i had her during the third year when dh and i had our big marital crisis (which you alone, ayla, on SR know about). really really wish i had her then.
i also realize how much i had her on a pedestal too. she was also human and struggled with so much of life (although she'd never admit it to me). my mother had control issues but no addiction that i know of. but she was far from perfect. but she was my best friend. amazingly.
for those of you who have parents with addictions--get to alanon. yes--or at least read about it. they say: love the person/hate the disease. i haven't had to deal with it myself, but seeing the damage that i have inflicted on my loved ones, i can only imagine the type of emotional ordeal you all are going through.
flutter--i repeat, love the person/hate the disease. tell her that. write it to her if you need to, but let her know that you want to spend time with her, but only when she's not drinking. make as much peace while you can so that when she dies, you will be confident knowing that you covered your side of the relationship, you made the effort--but define your boundaries. let her know them, and hold to them. you need to keep your own sanity too. but don't hate her, hate this d@mn addiction that kills the people we are/know and replaces them with a shell of former self. here's a crazy idea: make a memory box for your mom. ask relatives and friends to write down their favorite memory of your mom. then have her read them. then, when she's gone, you'll have that. it may give you comfort. just an idea....use it as a springboard to finding your way. try to focus on the good times and the family memories. share this with her. love the scared child that still lives within her. and love the scared and angry child within yourself too.
ayla--i'm glad that my words about facing the grief--walking into and through it--helped you. it's such a gift to have someone tell you that you have helped them! thank you ******{misti}}}} i have seen such grace and dignity and strength in people that i know when they move through tragedies with eyes open and shoulders squared. it's when you hide from it, or try to push those feelings down, that it comes back to you in unhealthy ways.
the other thing that i have learned is that people really do learn from your example. you personally may not know the reason why you have to suffer the way you do--you know, the "why is God doing this to me?" question--but it may not be so that you learn from it, it may be that others do. i had people i didn't even know come up to me and comment to me how much i inspired them while i was caregiver to my parents. i also perspnally witnessed strangers who were positively affected by my parent's strength and love during an incredibly wrenching fatal illness. you may never know why. but the goal is to find the way how.
hugs to all,