ayla,
Thank you for sharing with us. Our pain reaches out to others and when we identify ourselves with each other by common experience we gain strength. I remember well when I did all the same things to take care of my dad and then 6 years later- mom and finally my aunt 9 years after that. I managed and cared for and arranged so much that I didn't have time or room in my brain or heart to feel the pain.
A very good friend of mine showed me with her hand a way to describe this experience- which she felt as well when her father passed away. You can't see me, but you can visualize a clenched fist....closed tight. Once the grip is released, the blood begins to flow again and the pain is felt as what was once so tightly closed begins to live again. Slowly the blood flow returns and that hand gets back to normal is able to be used again.
Many of us just have to get the job done and we feel it and then sort of fall apart later. The good thing about recovery is that we can learn to take care of ourselves when this happens.
flutter,
I started to write you a response...but everything I was going to say to you- the others have already said.
I'm hoping you will keep coming here and share what you need to- there is help for you. You are on a good path for your own recovery. What you are facing is soooo difficult and hard to imagine unless one has experienced it- yet I have hope for you to find your way and be strong enough to make it through. Your story has touched my heart and I will keep you in my thoughts and my prayers. Please keep coming back.
hugs,
cmc