Flutter,
Ayla is right. You cannot change her. God, I can't even imagine how much it must hurt watching all of this unfold. My heart goes out to you.
On the flip side, my heart also goes out to your mom. Facing death is loneliest feeling in the world. I've been there. I had cancer and seeing the tears roll down my surgeons face told me that things didnt look so good for me. I drank those scary feelings away everyday. Sometimes I would be sitting there drunk while they pumped chemo into my veins and cried. I cursed God for letting this happen to me. It wasn't fair. Why quit drinking when I'm going to die anyway?
This is so hard to explain. I haven't HAD any real feeling in so long, let alone try to explain them!
The serenity prayer says a lot in this situation.....
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change,
courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
I can see both sides. I can sympathize with your pain, but I can empathize with your moms pain. I hope that you will come to realize that you CAN'T change the fact that things dont look too good for her. But you CAN change your perspective on things if you try to see things through her eyes. You will never TRULY be able to see things through her eyes until your time comes, but you can try. If she makes it through, and survives cancer, THEN I can completely understand where you are coming from.
This is a tough situation for you & her both. MY advice (39 days sober so take it or leave it) would be to try and spend as much time around her as you can when she isn't completely plastered. Mornings? Bring by some breakfast and special coffee, and spend time with her when she can absorb what you are saying. I will pray that you can let go of this resentment and give it to god.
Be strong, and be true to yourself. This isnt going to last forever, so try to make the best of it while you can.
