i feel your pain and your anger......i know how you feel, my mother and my relationship was different than yours is for a long time......but i did have a terrible, cold and practically non existant relationship with her when i was younger.......
you can not change her, even now....and you can not save her.....
my mothers oncologist called me when she died and asked me if i was ok.....he said that death of a horribly ill loved one is often a relief to the family, which can cause an incredible amount of guilt and shame....but it is normal........it is normal to hate the alcoholic that you used to love because of the abuse and pain they have put you through.........my mother was abusive to my father, but to us, she was neglectful....i did not see her at all for 3 years because i could not handle the humiliation of having a drunk mother......
i managed to forgive my mother, but it was after she was sober......she had 2 years, and i'm not sure i consider her drinking while she was ill a relapse, because she was not mentally capable of making a choice on her own at the time........
you know, the brain tumors could have had something to do with your mother's personality changing so dramatically......she could have had them for a long time......although, it may well be just the alcohol........
there is a forum here for adult children of alcoholics......just because we are grown does not mean that we are not profoundly affected by their drinking.....
you may regret not spending time with your mother.......but i can honestly say that there are not many who would endure abuse in order to make memories......it would just be more trauma for both of you on top of what you are already dealing with.......i can't see a lot of smiles or happy memories being made........
our mothers are alike in many ways......my mothers fiance' was 25 yrs. older than her, and this is hitting him hard....she has been gone over 9 months and he is still lost.....
my advice to you would be to get yourself to alanon......find yourself a sponsor there, also....one who will understand your situation.......
when we drink or otherwise abuse our bodies, we die, eventually from that abuse......your mother has lung cancer, so it may happen faster, but the result is the same....she is gone, and you are left with your guilt and your grief.....
there is nothing you can do for her.....you can't change her, you can't save her and you can't help her at all, unless she wants to help herself........that is a universal fact of people who love addicts, which i'm sure you know very well..........
take a step back and look at the whole picture.....you have an abusive mother...she happens to be sick.......but you did not make her sick, and you did all you could for her..........she is beyond your reach now.........you can not help her......so start helping yourself...........
go to alanon, so you can learn to forgive and let go of that hate.........you will not only learn to forgive her, but yourself......we forgive not for the addict in our lives, but for ourselves........so that we can move on and grow....
you know there is nothing you can do for her.....you are incredibly brave to post this, and i'm sure it was a little healing just to let it out.......please call and find out about alanon meetings in your area.......you can start your own recovery and realise you are powerless in this situation, and you are doing the only thing you can do for your own sanity............
thank you for your response......it was brave and brutally honest, and that is an amazing way to start my day..........we don't have to love an abusive parent just because they are ill......although i know you love the woman she was.......you are right, she is gone........and may be for good, that is why i hope you find some help for yourself.....the sort of guilt you are feeling serves no purpose in your live but to hold you back.......it is ok to regret......but guilt is toxic, and useless........you can make it through this.....i did, and we are the same...........i'm very touched that you found this site, and my post the very night i posted it..........divine intervention is the only explanation.......
please don't hesitate to pm me if you need anything......i'm here often, and it will help you very much to talk to someone who understands....
ayla