Ayla...
I joined this forum tonight... I posted "Trying something new.." because I have been in recovery a long time, relapsed and have been searching hopelessly for a way to deal with the things that I am going through. I, too, will apologize in advance because I feel this may be a very long post and hope that at least you will take the time to read and maybe even respond... because I belive that my higher power brought me to this palce to find you...
You see, my mom has cancer... and is an alcoholic...
There is so much I have inside about this, I do not know where to start... Even as I sit here with the sole purpose of telling all this to you... I am frozen... I want to quit and delete this response... I don't want to face it, yet I read your words and it;s all right here... big and ugly and scary and the tears are rolling down my cheeks...
My mother is an alcoholic... I got clean and sober and she got drunk... during my addiction, she took care of my daughter, who is an insulin dependant diabetic. My mom took care of me... she enabled me... she literally was loving me to death... but eventually I went to treatment and got clean... and she got drunk... The difference in our addictions is- when I was getting high I hid from everyone... I didn't come home, would be gone for days, weeks, at a time... and my parents took care of my daughter... my mother gets drunk and is abusive, verbally, physically and mentally... for the past 6 years it has been very dysfunctional... I have put her in jail twice for assualt... tried to limit the contact she had with my girls because of her drinking, but I felt guilty and couldn't keep the boundaries in place... which has led to more guilt... anyways... last October (two weeks after I got married) my husbands grandfather died... we went to his home to be with the family and shortly after arriving I got a phone call that my mom was on her way to the hospital in an ambulance...
She had a seizure at work... I immediately thought it was DT's and told the doctor about her drinking problem... they ran their tests... and a CT scan... I told the doctor not to ******** me... that I needed the truth and not a rose-colored pictured to spare my feelings... I really thought it was because she's a drunk... but they found two tumors in her brain... cancer... the doctors found that she had brain and lung cancer (she only has one lung)... What the hell was going on? I did what you did... I paid the bills, took care of my mom, my dad, my kids my husband... all the while trying to be supportive to his family... who was planning a funeral... I was at the hospital overseeing everyhting because my dad (stepdad... who is 30 years older than my mom) has Alzhemier's and gets very confused and didn't understand what was going on... I am the power of attorney who is basically responsible for every fricken detail... from medical to financial to explaining to my kids that gramma was going to be ok... despite not knowing if I was telling the truth or not.... I called my sponsor and tried to share with her... but she had no experience in this matter and honestly didn't know how to help.... so I did the only thing I knew how to do... I cowboyed up... I didn't need help because I was ok... I had it all under control. I didn't cry. I didn't talk about much... just the facts.... I made the phone calls, coordinated the schedules and waited...
They removed the tumors from my mother's brian in two seperate surgeries, three days apart... They shaved her head and cut into her skull, leaving two very large Frankinstein scars. And they ran tests, lots and lots of tests... I did manage to get them to medically detox her from alcohol... and then they sent her home.
I spoke to her many times while she was in the hospital about the treatment she needed and that she needed to not drink alcohol... that she was no longer "physically dependent" and could stay sober... She said she would... until she got home and had a few... then told me that she was under alot of stress and needed it... Had she lost her damned mind... We got into a big fight.. I yelled at her, demanding to know why the hell did she have brain surgery and going to chemotherapy if she wAs just gonna drink herself to death... I told her she was wasting everyone's f@#$ing time... That was the first of November... She has been drunk eveyday since then... my dad is drinking uncontrollably too. They fight all the time... She has threatened everything from divorce to suicide, she's wrecked the car while driving drunk and when I went to pick her up from the store where whe worked... she was yelling at me that she was going to kill herself... I was scared and humilated. I called my sister for help... but she told me that people who wanted to kill themselves didn't tell anyone, they just did it... and that mom needed to sleep it off. There are so many examples I could give, but I imagine you get the picture...
I did the only thing I know how to do... I got high... I got really high... I stole her pain medication... I told myself that it was ok because she wouldn't take it anyways... (she doesn't like the way it made her feel)... and I got gone... I quit going over there... quit going to the appointments... when I do have to go by her house, I am in and out, 5 minutes tops... She calls, I answer... she cries... her manipulative, self pity, guilt filled speeches and I listen... I cannot or will not hang up when she is crying... can't or won't... is there a difference. I have avoided my mom for the past 3-4 months... she's bald and sick... her face is swelling becuase of all the booze... looking at her makes me sick... hearing her makes me want to crawl into a deep hole and hide... I feel horrible all of the time... because the truth is I wish she would die... and not have to be sad and miserable and in pain anymore... and as selfish as I can be... I won't be sad, miserable and in pain anymore... God, please forgive me for that... What an ugly reality... I have been avoiding all of these thoughts and feelings for a long time now... I got clean again 28 days ago...
My mom called last week to tell me that they said the chemo isn't working... that the options were radiation... which would happen everyday for six months... and could kill her... or jsut letting the cancer grow back and kill her... She says that it would be better if she'd just die... and I didn't know what to say... I don't know what to do... I went to a meeting...
A friend of mine told me that I needed to spend as much time with my mom as possible because if I didn't I would regret it... but I can't... I went over to her house twice last week... both times she was drunk... and her voice made my skin crawl... the way she talks while drinking makes me sick... I can't even pretend to care about what she is saying. I just get so irritated.. it ruins my entire day... I can't shake it... I am upset for days afterwards... so ikt has become easier to avoid her as much as possible... which makes me feel bad too.. because I keep thinking that she may die and this will be what I have to remember... my mother as an obnoxious, abusive, sarcastic lush that made my skin crawl... and I will spend the rest of my life beating myself up with the thigns I could have done, should have done...
I don't know if this made any sense to you... I don't know if it makes sense to me... all I know is I am in a lot of pain... I am angry, confused, scared and feel very hopeless... and I am hoping to find a way to deal with my life in a healthy manner... I need help, but don;t know where to go, what to do, or even if there is an answer to my problems... I do love my mom... but the woman I have been talking about is not my mother... she's not the one I miss terribly... the one I long to talk to... to hug... the truth is my mother died the minute she picied up that bottle... and I haven;t seen her since... now I just have this bald drunk lady wearing my mothers skin and clothes... and I hate her...