Hi Kitkat,
I am so glad to hear that you have moved forward in your recovery
. It is amazing how much we keep inside, and how so many things in our past can almost keep us prisoners in the present.
I had awakenings like this in recent months also.
My mother and father raised my sis and I until we were 5 and 6 years old... and then my mother left the marriage, and us, and ran off with my fathers best friend. She is still with him to this day - OH! and HE is an addict!
I was soooo angry at her, for sooo many years. Even tho she has always kept in contact with us thru letters and visits; to ME, she just gave up being a mother... she rejected us. I hated talking to her on the phone; I hated reading her letters... I guess I just wanted her to either come BACK to me, or just dissapear.
And all of this has played a huge role in my life today! I too, am feeble at giving and receiving love and affection - it seems almost uncomfortable. I too, hid behind a protective wall... not letting others get close, so I don't get hurt.
But the biggest lesson I learned Kitkat... Was that I MAKE myself a prisoner of my past; I make myself a victim. My mother made mistakes when we were young... she regrets them with all her heart. It does not give me the right to hold her responsible for MY downfalls, and emotions and circumstances... I am responsible for that.
So when you talk about "moving on", you have to be willing to let go of the feelings you have towards your family. You have to feel these emotions and then let them blow away with the wind and start anew - THIS is forgiving. It is really hard to do.
But now, I am free of anger and resentment to my mother... It gives me so much space to move and grow in, and opens up my future to so many possibilities. It really is healing and liberating
.
Whew...
I have spoken too much
Take care Kitkat
Meg