This is not something you, in your case, can do alone. Im sorry to tell you that. AA isnt you standing up at a podium and addressing a room full of people. You go and sit down and listen to others talk. You do that until you feel comfortable enough to talk. Trust me,...you WILL feel comfortable soon. I know you dont feel like you EVER will right now. That will pass. Continuing to drink WILL take your life from you,...literally. You cant want sobriety and also say there are things you arent willing to try. You are doomed to failure every single time.