Stupid, stupid cycle...
Hi all.
Hope everyone is doing well this week... more than halfway through the work week, yay!
Well, short update is that I FINALLY broke up with my (ex) ABF after two and a half years of back-and-forth drug use (his) and back-and-forth generally insane behavior (mine)... and for no "reason" either. All my reasons I could have used in the past... finding him using of course, catching him in ridiculous lies and finally getting arrested last November... none of that did it. It was just like I woke up one day and realized that the relationship truly wasn't going anywhere...
I am still so codependent, though... and I don't want to fall back in to the pit because of it. Earlier today, I knew that ex-ABF would be back from a job after being gone for awhile... and I thought, "I really don't want him to show up and try to hang out. Just want to be by myself."
Well, he called... I was kind of cold I guess, but not incredibly so... ended with him saying, "Well, I guess I'll let you get back to what you are doing..." and me saying, "Okay" and just hanging up.
Perfectly normal, right?
Um no... because I have been feeling like the most horrible person in the world for the past hour and a half and trying to fight off the urge to call him back. To be "nicer"... which would only lead to him asking if he could come by to "talk"... which would lead to either me saying yes or getting into a fight about it, neither one of which I'm interested in pursuing at this point.
I'm going to bed early to avoid all of this... but still... why is it so hard to let sleeping dogs lie?
Well... that's actually one reason. I miss our dog (present to him, no question the dog's staying with him) so terribly I can hardly stand it... how stupid is that? And I miss his stupid jokes and laughing and hugging and all of that... today I walked around sad for at least thirty minutes because I took my own trash out... one of the only things he did for me... not because it was hard... it was the easiest thing I did all day...
I guess I just know that the more this happens, the easier it will get... shouldn't be scared about that I guess... but then he really is out of my life. Something about the finality of that scares the living he** out of me and I don't know why, because I'm the one who said I wanted it like this. I haven't been doing a very good job of boundaries anyway... talk to him almost every day... he leaves messages that, if anyone heard them, they would think we were right on track and still together...
Guess I'm just confused. A little lonely as well. I have such a full life during the day... but at night... with no family and living alone and all... it all starts to get much more hard and just "heavier"... and so much easier to consider the possibility that his company might be a better alternative to reading the same magazine again or reorganizing yet another drawer...
I'm going to start working the steps with a real live sponsor this week, so maybe that will help. I am SO excited about that. Also have a trip planned next month, so I'm trying to get myself in a little better shape and thinking about some new wardrobe additions and stuff... I'm doing my best to keep busy and feel like my life is full.
Nights are just downright brutal sometimes!