Txsun, I think there's a common thread (was, in your case)..."never enough"
To all, I've spent my life in that mode. Lord knows my parents and extended family members cultivated it. So, at 27 (almost 20 years ago now) I sought out counseling and worked toward change..."To continue a relationship with you (dad's side of the family), I need for us to redefine/renegotiate our respective realtionships." Sadly - and I was prepared for this - all family members chose not to...and I had to respect their choice (they didn't want to give up control). Afterall, I was asking them to respect my choice.
I couldn't stand another minute in the stifled, controlled world I was living in with them (mind you, I was a self-supporting adult and living well on my own). I've been happier away from them, honestly. The counselor at that time taught me that being related to someone doesn't give them the right to treat you like crap.
And then all of this...guess I never really learned that lesson. Or was/is there a big neon sign above my head letting the world know?
It's funny - I'm told that I come off as secure and confident...and yet I am so not. Is the latter what attracted my husband and this life? Did he count on me creating and maintaining the illusion of a happy home and family so he could be a functioning addict?
And what is a functioning addict, by the way?
I don't know why this all matters tonight - I just told the counselor last Friday that I wanted to focus on here and now because we can't change the past...whew.
And all, we go to the same counselor - thoughts?