journeygal

I think my HP was trying to talk to me today. No, let me rephrase. He's always trying to talk to me. Today I chose to listen.

I think one of the problems I struggle with is expecting to be hurt by the ones who say they love me. I was Daddy's little girl, his favorite. He would side with me over my mom 100% of the time, which of course caused problems with him and mom and me and mom. I could feel his love. But to accept his love meant I had to accept his abuse - the name calling, putting me down, and rejecting me when I didn't do something he liked. So it was hard to accept him as is, b/c I constantly received the message that, "Yes I love you, but you always do something to let me down so I'm always going to punish you for it."

So love became this thing that was to be feared, b/c it hurt to be loved by my dad.

This, unfortunately, has followed me through my life. I don't give too much of myself in my friendships, b/c I don't want to be hurt. And now, I'm in a marriage and I'm afraid of being loved by my husband. When I was growing up, love didn't equal acceptance. My husband accepts me as is and has no desire to hurt me. But I have such a hard time trusting it.

So, all day long, I've been saying to myself - "My husband is not my dad. My husband is not my dad. Loving me doesn't automatically mean he's going to hurt me." And really, no matter what he does, he can only hurt me if I let him.

I think I need to listen to my HP more often....