((mish))
Welcome to SR. I'm so glad you found this place. Your post captured my heart because certain aspects of it reminded me of "me" at that age.
I know I used to feel "numbed" and dis-associated to my whole family. I watched my brother destroy himself and every one around him. I was forced to be mature and grown up before I was even a teenager. At the age of 8, I was more mature and responsible than a lot of adults are in their 40's. It felt like the weight of my families problems were on my shoulders. I loved them. I wanted to help them and fix them. I wanted to make their lives easier, so they would be happy, so that I could be happy. No matter what I did, I couldn't help them. I just became numb, and sad, and depressed and finelly I became an old woman before the age of 18.
The numbness was just my mind self preserving me, because I could not handle the stress and the pain any more.
You have something that I didn't though. You have a support group here. You have information available to you to help you understand that you can't help your brother, you can only help yourself. You can love him with all your heart, without carrying the weight of all this on your shoulders.
I'm so drawn to just writing a book here for you about my own experience. But I realize there is so much that it would be overwhelming. So I'll end this post now, with letting you know, I care. Anything I can do to help you, just ask.
Sending you lots of hugs and Prayers
Ms B