Dear Book,
At times, I have said that living with an addict in recovery is just as difficult as living with one in addiction. I'd still rather take the recovery but it can be hard as all get out! My RAH has been sober now for 20 months (crack addiction) and it has been quite a ride. I know that the only things that have allowed me to heal and grow and even care a lick about this relationship is working my own program. I've had to work a much more rigorous program that my RAH has ever even thought of........I went down deeply with it all and it's taken a whole lot of work to begin to dig back up.
The fellowship in the rooms of recovery have helped me a lot. For me, my thoughts were to give it a go, do the best that I could, turn it over to my HP (whether it's God, a tree, or a chair) and concentrate on me. If the relationship survived - all the better. I'd hoped that it would - and it has. The me now would never stay for what all I've been through but all of that is not happening now.
Remember, the substances are but a symptom. The disease is addiction and how that makes you think and deal with life. It is a disease that only stays in remission with daily spiritual fitness. Don't worry about the God thing - when I say spiritual fitness I simply mean having somewhere to turn outside of yourself and a practice that allows you to be still and calm.
The past and guilt.......for a relationship to survive both people have to be able to forgive. Not forget - but to love one another through it. Our counselors told us that we couldn't even begin to work on our relationship until after the first year. That was great advice for us. I certainly needed the tools of recovery to be able to do all of this.
Try to find a meeting that you like.....look into Naranon as well. Nashville is big enough that they should have some.
Good luck! I'm thinking about you! Donna