Dear BookLover,
I am sorry your husband is using Step 4 (Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves) to make you feel bad.
While we do list our resentments while taking an inventory of ourselves, nowhere in Step 4 does it say that we take everyone elses inventory. In fact, in the Big Book of AA it clearly states:
"We went back through our lives. Nothing counted but thoroughness and honesty. When we were finished we considered it carefully. The first thing apparent was that this world and its people were often quite wrong. To conclude that others were wrong was as far as most of us ever got."
"Referring to our list again. Putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done, we resolutely looked for our own mistakes. Where had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking and frightened? Though a situation had not been entirely our fault, we tried to disregard the other person involved entirely. Where were we to blame? The inventory was ours, not the other man's. When we saw our faults we listed them. We placed them before us in black and white. We admitted our wrongs honestly and were willing to set these matters straight."
I have cut and pasted these out of Chapter Five, How It Works" so there is a lot more that is said about how this is about us taking our inventory, but I did want to share a couple of paragraphs with you.
Teke gave you great advice about starting your own program. That is really when the healing begins, but in the meantime, don't let him beat you up with the Steps. That's not what they were meant for.
Lithloren