In need of help
Wow. I feel I have gone backwards. I don't think I have been in this much inner turmoil ever. I was better when my AH was actively doing drugs. Now that he is sober and really working his program, I feel lost. Has anyone else experienced this?
He has this new found ability to deliver his problems to God (he has never been religious before) and he seems happy.
And I am not. I am agnostic with loose spiritual beliefs, abstract if you will, and it feels impossible to deliver my life into his hands. I may really be a control freak, I didn't know that about myself before. We both used to agree on God and now we don't, and that is a big threshold to cross. He also says things to me like, "I am more spiritually evolved than you" or "you'd understand if you had God"...these feel judgemental and pompous and belittling to me, which doesn't help.
Also, due to his using, he has never gotten mad at me for the things I did wrong in my marriage. It was almost like I didn't have any consequences for my actions ever. Maybe he felt so guilty about his own. But now that he is at step 3 and 4, he is dealing with the hurt I caused him and it makes me face what I did as well. We separated twice and both times I saw someone during that time. Once, I started seeing someone before we separated. It was wrong but at the time it didn't feel like it. I was so lost then, but I didn't know it. Now I am less lost but I know it and it is a terrible feeling. He was so awful to me for so long and had moved away temporarily to try out a music gig meanwhile he was doing lots of drugs and drinking while I worked and supported the family and took care of our child alone. I was pissed and bitter and I met someone who was nice to me. I guess I was just weak and pathetic and that is why I sought refuge in this man. I told my AH about it. I ended the affair and my AH and I got back together and spent 4 more years of this chaoss. And here we are now...
I feel so awful. Lost. I am not even sure if our marriage can make it after all the lies, deceit, addiction and hurt that has been caused by both of us. All we have on our side to make it with is the fact that we somehow still love eachother and enjoy eachother often and we have 2 wonderful children. I don't even know if it is what I want. Wow, walking out the door and escaping this torturous feeling sounds less painful.
I am just wondering if anyone else has dealt with any of this before.
I mean, all these years of thinking..."Oh if he could just stop using and drinking..." and now he has and it seems like we have more problems...wait, it seems like "I" have more problems. "I" feel so guilty and awful and insecure and still bitter and sad inside...and I always thought I'd be so happy if he could get sober.
Thank you and thinking of you all as always.