I have to get some thoughts down before I reply to your lovely post Angelgirl...
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It's an understatement to say that L-O-V-E has been a constant in my brain lately. Here's what's been in my head for a few days now:
One month, I saw your glance and since can't take my eyes from you.
Two days, I felt your touch on my arm and since can't take my mind from you.
Three moments, I heard your voice laughing with me and now I can't keep my heart from you.
Four days, I've wondered how much more I'm creating of you than what's really there.
Five days, I've wanted to scream, "Just ask me out already!"
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So, Okay...i've been intrequed/interested/attracted to several different guys over the past several months...none of which went anywhere. This guy...well, I noticed him about 10 months ago. He works in my same office and it was an after hours event I was covering for the paper...and for some reason...our eyes met and that was the first time I actually 'noticed' him. (as mentioned in the poem above). Since then my attraction to him has very slowly developed and I am now near complete infatuation. Now, when I see him (it sounds cheesy, but) I seem to lose my breath for a moment. If I could look at him all day without being obvious to him or anyone else...then I would.
I haven't been
this completely attracted to a guy in a really long time. And unlike the last guy I was trying to figure out if there was any receprication...with this one...it seems there is.
It's almost like I can 'feel' him noticing me. (Again, i know all this sounds corny, but when you've felt as lonely as I have lately and haven't even had a kiss in a good 2 years and ...well...it's not corny to me).
But I still feel stupid, as usual. I don't know how to act, what to say and if by some chance i'm completely diluted in my thinking and he isn't attracted to me...then the last thing I would want is anyone in my office to find out how much i like him. How totally embarrasing.
As I write all this...i'm sad...depressed...whatever.
Today, I attended a wedding of the dearest, sweetest girl I've ever known...and yes...it AND their relationship is true storybook. She is a princess and he is her knight. And i feel lucky just to know such wonderful people.
But...it's hard to see someone's fairy-tale "ever after" ...and i'm sitting here wondering why this guy that seems he could be near-perfect for me...doesn't ask me out.
My brain is screaming out horribly, hurtful things about me...telling me i'm stupid, ugly, fat, boring, crazy, difficult, bitchy, grumpy, a stinky smoker and yes...a compulsive gambler. And THAT's why i'll never find my prince and that's why i'm always going to be miserable...and that's probably why some day i'll decide i've had enough and just end it.
Weekly..and often daily...people are telling me or others what a great photographer I am, but it rarely feels true or good to my ears. There is ALWAYS someone better than me. And always someone nearby -- not just someone in another town or state or whatever. All-in-all, i'm tired of not being special to anyone for anything. I want someone to pay attention to me just because. Perhaps that's why I feel so attracted to this guy at work....regardless of if he is attracted to me...he occationally gives me attention that's genuine. If I send him a sassy e-mail (or even a work related e-mail)...instead of replying back in an e-mail...he will either call me on my phone to sass me back or come from the other side of the building to my desk. The smallest of things he does or says makes me smile and laugh.
Why can't that be real? Why can't I have that in my life today, everyday and for the rest of my life?
My brain answers: Because I'm not worth it and I'm going to be dead in 10 years anyway. Yes...death also has been on my mind lately.
At the wedding reception tonight...there was a slide show of childhood pictures of the two playing all night. What was my thought???
I need to gather up some of my favorite childhood photos and put them into a slideshow in case i ever get married...or in case I die and then that way it will already be ready to play at my funeral!!!!
Yeah....crazy, crazyer, crazyest...that's me more than I want to deal with. I've become so increasingly nueratic lately that a week hasnt' gone by with out a co-worker telling me i'm paranoid. I'm tired. I'm over-worked. I'm depressingly manic quite a bit lately it seems. A world torn in two is so much more caotic than one that just flips back and forth.
Anyway...enough rambling for now. Lord please help me gather up some kind of self-esteem, self-love and self-assurance...from SOMEWHERE SOON.