came2believe

I am glad you are here. Please stick around, read and ask questions! That's why we're here. You might not believe this, but helping new people and those just like you actually helps me stay sober. So you have done one great thing today already and that is to allow me the opportunity to share with you my own experiences.

While in the grips of alcoholism, I too have felt so desperate I yearned for death. I fantasized almost every day about crashing my car into a wall or driving over a cliff. Thankfully, I did not do this and I am here today.

Not too long before I quit drinking, I attended the funeral of one of my husband's good friends. He had died a sober man, after a long illness. I knew he was a recovering alcoholic, but did not think he was at all like me. After all, he was the one who told stories about how he had hallucinated when he went through withdrawals. I sure wasn't that bad! (This I thought despite the fact I was drinking every day, craving alcohol every day, and was contemplating suicide almost daily!)

His daughter spoke about this thing called a "Big Book." I was not sure really what this book was, but it meant so much to him, it had saved his life according to all his family. It was his wishes that he be buried with his Big Book and so it was placed in the casket with him. I strained to see this mysterious book. Since the man was Catholic, I thought it might be a Bible. When I saw the book, I thought they maybe put in the wrong one since it did not have the title "Big Book" printed on it. Instead, the title seemed to be "Alcoholics Anonymous."

THIS was his "Big Book"? Who in the hell would name a book "The Big Book" (worst title ever, I thought!) then not even print the correct title on the cover! And this so called "Big Book" wasn't even that big! Those crazy alcoholics...

Well,despite the "silliness" of this book of his, I had always liked this man very much. He was very happy and kind. I knew he was a recovering alcoholic. Some part of me knew I was in trouble with alcohol that I could not get out of on my own, no matter how much I struggled at the time. I am sure I went home and got loaded that night, probably using his funeral as an excuse. BUT--I decided to keep a bit of an open mind about this book.

Over the months that followed, as my drinking got worse (as it always does-alcoholism is progressive) I began to think about this Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous more and more. Could his family members really give credit to saving his life to a BOOK? Why had this "Big Book" and AA meant so much to him? So much he would ask to be BURIED with this book? There must be something to it.

This man did not get the chance to know it, but he saved my life. Oh sure-I had tried to fix the alcohol problem on my own. I had tried cutting back, drinking only on weekends, drinking only organic wines from whole foods, drinking only Irish beer. (It all seems a bit silly now!) None of it worked for more than a few days.

This Big Book and this man's funeral kept haunting me. Just over one year later I did what I swore I would never do, I walked into the rooms of AA for the first time.

Now, I do not have to drink. I have nearly 15 months sober today and I am happy. I am no longer haunted by thoughts of suicide. I have a purpose in life and my financial situation has stabilized just in that short time to be better than it has ever been. My marriage is healing and my kids do not have to witness me weaving around the house, or snapping at them in the morning because I am hungover. I am free of addiction today!

That is just a snippet of my story. Thank you for letting me share it with you. You are young and have such a great life ahead of you. I know if you want freedom from addiction, if you have the desire, the commitment to recovery, and an open mind, you will get it. Oh and AA may not work for everyone, but it works for me.