Had enough - I NEED Help
Ok, my first post. I dunno how this site works as I just arrived here.
I'm 20 years old and I live in Scotland.
I've been drinking since I was 15, heavily since I was about 17. My drinking slowed down when I got a full-time office job but recently it has creeped back up and it's scaring me. I KNOW I have an addiction. I work 5 days a week and can go without a drink for days if I'm working but sometimes I just come home from work and get an URGE to drink. I can't figure out what sets this urge off but it happens. And when I drink....I drink. I pretty much drink all I have and it might be 'cool' amongst college students who are with friends but when you're on your own, in your bedroom, with work the next day...it gets annoying.
I've tried stopping and obviously I haven't managed it.
The thing is...when I drink ( like now) I search and search and search for things that will trivialise my addiction. I watch films that are focused around drugs just so I can sit there and think " Oh well it could be worse" but I'm not fooling myself anymore.
Thankfully I've got friends but only my BEST friend knows I drink too much but even then...he doesn't REALLY know. He says things like "Christ...you drink too much" but it's in jest. He doesn't know that I drink litres of vodka and coke at night before I get up for work.
I've pretty much reached the end of my tether. I TRIED to kill myself a year ago but it was dissmised as attention seeking. I don't know how as I went somewhere that nobody (except bad luck for me that day) could find me and hung myself from a tree. Although I'll never try that again I just wish I could NOT think about drink.
Trying to end my life was the loneliest experience of my life. I stood there by myself and made a conscious decision to do what I did but only after did It really hit me what I had wanted to do and I don't EVER want to be in that situation again. I can't describe the sorrow, pain and anger I felt towards myself and my family. I want to be able to come home from work and sit at home bored and NOT want to drink to relieve the boredom.
So far...it hasn't worked.
Thanks