Close one today.
I was so close of having a drink today or.. even to get drunk.
Spent the day with my younger brother and it was horrible. I took him to get his hair cut and nail done (ye he is metrosexual as hell lol, looks are very important :P) I paid for everything and i even bought him an ipod 2 days ago. Thought that it would make us get along better i guess. He was in a terrible mood all day and i tried to stay positive and cheer him up but nothing i said/did was good. Dont know what i did but he got really mad at me at lunch and told me that im such a cheap *****, that im a ****, that people really dont like me and he understands why, that im stupid and fat and ugly etc. This is what i used to hear from my mom, everyday, when i still lived at home. Every single day from as far as i can remember until i was 16 when i moved to my own appartment. My brother still lives at home and i guess he hear her talk like that about me and think its ok. I dont know.
Anyways i got so upset so i just left, i was so close to start crying and we dont do that in my family, its a sign of weekness, (tho my mom was allowed to cry when she told me that she regret having me and how much she wished that i was more like.. everything im not) so i had to get away. I decided that i had to get drunk, I didnt give a ****. So long without alcohol and i didnt care, all i needed was to get drunk, even tho i have work tonight. I tried to find a place that served alcohol that early when my brother called and told me how sorry he was. I guess i suprised him with just leaving without a word and when he realized how hurt i was he felt guilty. We decided to meet up again and he was being really nice.
58 days sober.
Home now and feeling really low. Should get some sleep before work in a few hours but all i can think off is how mad i am at my mom i dont hate her but i wish i could. I want to hate her but i cant, i blame her for everything.
Someone said that i could open post in this thread when i felt like it. and i needed to just.. get it out.
thanks