Apart
Your husband was in denial about his health ... a constant partner to alcoholic behavior .. so was my husband - he always thought his problems were caused by something else. If an alcoholic accepted the reality of all the pain and misery brought on by the drinking, that would mean they would have to admit they needed to stop - the last thing they want to believe while in the throes of addiction. My husband had mentioned to me just a few days before his death about how worried he was he wouldn't remember how to use a computer when he started feeling better .... this was just after he had been diagnosed with severe liver disease and he still couldn't stop drinking. He had been told his health would continue to decline unless he made a radical change.. but this disease is so unbelievably powerful, I knew by this time nothing would stop him.
I had been through every phase of alcoholic progression with my husband. He had caused a tremendous amount of heartache and anger ... but even though this lasted for many years, I am amazed how truly saddened I am by his death ... I so wish I had a chance to say goodbye and let him know I understood he was consumed by this illness and that I forgave him.
It is so good that you had a chance to say loving words to each other for the last time ... unfortunately for me, like some many times before I had been very frustrated by his behavior that last time I saw him. I keep trying to tell myself he is finally at peace now .. but I so wish I could have had the opportunity to say good bye and let him know I loved him in spite of all that had happened.