I am so sorry, apart. You know there is/was nothing you could do to stop your A from drinking unless he wanted to.
I knew a man who had cirrosis of the liver so bad he nearly died three times. His face was always a purplish blueish colour and he drank constantly. I remember innocently asking him.. "WHY?". His sincere answer was... "I'd rather be dead than not be able to have a drink". He died alone, in his home, a month later from liver failure at 49 years old.
Let yourself grieve for your A and know that people here at SR understand and care very very much for you and what you are going through.