Man i hope you get another chance to clean up. Heroin has taken me straight to the GUTTER..prison..lost kids...I was the same way for a long time. I would clean up but end up going back once I felt better. I have detoxed so many times ...spent most of my life creating broken relationships and a whole lot of debt...got hep C...my teeth rotted out..I feel lucky today to not be living wondering where I will get that next hit. And doing dirt so I could get the cash for it.
Sometimes I do miss it..but I play the tape all the way through. Looking in the mirror and seeing death in my eyes.
They say that willpower is no good with this disease..and it has been my experience that this is true. I could no more stay clean than any other junkie out there. But I am today..by a miracle. I have had very little to do with it besides asking for help...and praying...
I'm sorry you went back out. I hope you can make it back again..lots of people don't.
love north
PS..money is a big trigger for lots of us..maybe that is why god keeps me poor.